Death Watch

It would be disingenuous to call it anything else. We are waiting for Mom to die. She can take as LONG as she wants and I’d give anything to see her return to health but I know that is not to be. Death is a natural conclusion to a life well-lived or otherwise. And I am so thankful that we’ve been able to keep her at home. Not many people get to die in their own beds these days.

I am amazed that her body continues to function and produce waste when she has taken nothing, not even a sip of water in days. Eating stopped mid-week, the last attempt to give her a drink of water was Friday. Just running the moistened swab around her mouth yesterday dribbled enough water into her mouth to make her choke. Now I’m afraid to do much at all. I did try squeezing out all the excess moisture and cleaning her teeth with it but I was nervous about that. Ed sat with her last night so I could service a PR client (publicity for a special event) and he had the same experience.

This morning, after I changed her bed pad and propped her up a bit to take her weight off her sore, I asked her if she was comfortable and she tried to answer. I believe she knows that someone is there trying to care for her. I hope she knows it’s me. But her eyes appear not to see anything. Phyllis and Carol came to help me today to continue to neaten and clean. Each of them took turns going in to see Mom and let her know they were here.

Because death is imminent, several friends have been trying to helping me get the house in order. We've marveled that she is still breathing as she looks so small and frail now. Carol said she thinks she is waiting to die until I get the house presentable for visitors. That would be just like Mom. She would want everything to be clean.

The worst room in the house is the library, which I took over for a downstairs office about 10 years ago. I had everything I needed and a couch and chair to sit it when discussing a job with clients. But we stuck the TV in the corner in an entertainment center. When the couch became too low for Mom, she took the chair and later I got a lounge chair because I was having so much difficulty with fibromyalgia and it was a place for me to get a respite. So we had to also get rid of the small sofa. We found Mom a recliner, too, which she planted a chair in front of my filing cabinets in the office – the only place to put a chair and be able to see the TV closed up in the corner cabinet.

I protested at the time saying we should just move the TV to the living room and be sure we both had a place to sit that was comfortable for the evening but, Mom has always been the boss and she wanted to be where I was. So the office has piled up until it is truly a landfill. I couldn’t get to the filing cabinets without moving Mom and her chair and for the past three years that has not been even a temporary option.

Somewhere along the way Mom started feeding one of the cats in the office on a rolling cart under the window. That created quite a mess because cats are not fastidious eaters. They like to take food out of the dish and eat it off the floor or whatever. And if Katie Cat was hungry and we did not notice, she would smack a food dish into the floor (it didn't matter if it wasn't empty). Then she got sick and started tossing as much as she ate. To clean it up required moving Mom and the chair. When I took over feeding the cat about two years ago, I moved her feeding area back to the kitchen but the damage had been done and some of it was where I couldn’t see it unless I moved Mom out of her corner. Places like under the radiator or under the rolling cart. When I realized that crumbs of cat food had fallen into a basket of genealogy papers by the cart, I gave up trying to keep the area clean.

Truly, I did not have time. Up until a year ago, I was still working at the college. It was all I could do to keep Mom clean and in clean laundry, grocery shop and cook and feed Mom by hand for the past six months. I kept Mom’s room and her bathroom in shape, kept the kitchen clean and the dishes done. But by the time I finished that and did something to bring in a few kopeks I was pretty well done in.

About three weeks ago, I guess, Mom took to bed. I got behind the chair and picked up a lot of kitty “litter” including paper plates she had knocked behind the furniture around her eating area and removing various piles of disgusting stuff but then Mom became completely incontinent and between trying to keep current with writing assignments and keep her dry and comfortable (and until this week trying to get her to eat something), I just didn’t get back to it until today. I picked up everything I could and ran the vacuum over the remains. Now I need to scrub. But the weather is rainy and damp today and I am really hurting so I think I will try again tomorrow. Maybe I can do something useful that doesn’t require much physical work.

I'm thankful that I did not have to go out today for milk and a few other things I needed. Rebecca, one of my former students who was always special but is now like family, grocery shopped for me and brought the things I was out of. So now I can sit and relax a bit. She brought half and half which makes coffee a treat and tea bags. Triona sent me one of those darling little tea pot and cup combinations that I am dying to try. Tea might be better although I am so tired these days that coffee will not keep me awake. I guess the deciding factor will be if there is any left in the carafe.